Thought · is · Free

*NOTE: keep in mind that the entire thing is a metaphore and its protesting some aspect of society. comment and tell me what you think it is and ill let you know if you get it. tiff you can't guess cause you know, and thanks for helping me with my edits.


The Never Ending Storm

It was subtle at first.
The sky, stretched over a wide pairie
the desolate maple tree,
covered with a blanket of clouds
their edges tinged a light grey.
The grass swayed slightly,
carelessly giving into the soft summer breeze.

The sky grew darker as the day went on,
the wind no longer a soft breeze
but rather a dictating force
as it whipped through the maple leaves
with cold resistance.

The sky which had blackened
started to pour
beating down rain as if to punish the tree fro having ever grown there,
not worthy of its post.
The wind, in its mounting strength,
pushing branches back and forth
precariously.

The blocks of hail raining from the midnight sky
pounding the earth mercilessly
leaving the solitary maple tree tattered and marred
The harsh winds robbing what little remained.

As it fell to the icy ground in a bitter defeat
the raging winds ceased
and the brutal storm subsided
till another day.

This poem got 100% yay

Traveling Through the Dark

in your drunken rage
i stare into your cloudy eyes
to find that you are no longer the person
i have always known
you are someone who has passed
into a different world

a different person entirely

you shout and the words shatter glass
the little boy next to me bgins to shakae
his tears are like swords
tearing through my flesh
penetrating

he whimpers
he is scard
he wonders is she sick?
no. she knows what she is doing
but in the midst of all the shouts of rage
i wonder
do you know who you are?
can you see what you have become?
this feeling you crave can only be satisfied by a drink
how does this liquid have so much power?
surely we mean more.

i feel my own rage begin to boil
it has only one aim
to hurt
to return all the damage that has been done

as i pass a mirror i stop and stare in horror
for i no longer see my own face,
but the one i so loathe
the one i was forever told
i would grow up to be

as the realization sinks in
i try to fight it
but instead i feel myself falling
the darkness closing around me
swallowing me

if i could say i hate you, i would.
if i could mean it, all the better.
but i can't.

Zank loved this. yay.

K i dont normally use this thing to vent but theres no way i was gonna do taht on myspace.
so here goes...

i am so f**king sick of people only considering me a friend when they damn please to. only when they feel like it or if their just in a good mood or some stupid reason like that. only when its convienent. what the hell????? that not friendship. i dont know wtf it is but its not friendship. and it hurts. especially when you first realized that thats how things are. im so f***ing sick of people doing that to me! i hate being treated like that.i hate that i'm always "the last resort." friends aren't really friends if they only like you when its convienent for them.

*hurting*

Taylor got off the school bus on Tuesday afternoon and headed for her house.On her way in she made a point to grab the mail which was waiting,quietly in the barn-shaped mailbox. Upon her arrival to her bedroom where she through down her books and looked through what mail there was she found a couple of magazines her mother was subscribed to, some bills, and last a letter. It had been addressed to her, Taylor Keppler. She was so excited to have mail, for she never got mail except from her grandparents at xmas time, she ripped open the envelope and began to read.

you are being watched. be sure your looking over your shoulder because one day, when you least
expect it i will be there and you will have no where to run.

Taylor looked up from the paper, completely in panic and ran downstairs. Her mom hadnt gotten home yet so she wasnt sure what else to do. She opened the front door and ran. She ran from her house to the gas station a mile away and from there she didnt know where she was going. Before she knew it it had started to rain so she decided to walk home. Surely her mother would be home by then. By the time Taylor got home it started pouring sheets. Her mother was sitting on the couch watching the news when she walked in and upon noticing her presence in the room she gasped.

"Taylor!! what on earth? your soaking wet!" Mrs. Keppler exclaimed
"I ran."
Her mother returned this with a questioning look. Taylor ran upstairs to get the letter that was still laying on her bed, just as she left it.
When she got back downstairs she handed it over to her mother. Once her mother saw the writing she covered her mouth with her hand, horror stricken.
For a moment Mrs. Keppler just sat there, staring at the paper, her hand shaking. She knew that hand writing..she had seen it before and she had hoped she would never see it again.
"Mom...what is this? are you okay? whats going on!!?!?!?" Taylor asked, now extremely confused and worried becuase of the way her mother was reacting to this. Taylor thought it should be her in her mothers place, getting all up in a frenzy...after all the letter was to her. However, by this time Mrs. Keppler had crossed into panic mode. She jumped up from the coach and grabbed her keys.
"We need to get out of here, now!" She said, not explaining anything.
Taylor, figuring she would question her mother in the car, followed.
It was still raining pretty hard when the two backed out of the driveway of their country home. Taylor could hear the hard beating of the rain on the top of the car while she watched the water make lines down her window.
Mrs. Keppler started to drive, fast. They drove past the gas station and on for what seemed to Taylor after reading the dials on the dashboard, a good 25 miles. She looked over at her mother who, by the looks of her eyes, wasnt completely there.
While driving Taylor noticed that they must be getting closer to the road that leads into town because there were more turns popping up, each getting sharper and sharper. On one particularly sharp turn that Mrs. Keppler wasnt completely ready for and the slippery road caused the car to swerve off the road. Taylor was holding her breath ,afraid it would be her last and when the car came to a stop she let herself breathe, the sweet breath that let her know that she was still alive. No one was hurt but her mother was crying. It was apparent that she was still hysterical and stressed. Taylor tried to calm her down and it was being to work...a little. Just as Taylor was getting her mothers breathing back to normal she looked up out her mothers window and jumped. A mans face was pressed against the glass and he was indicating that she should roll down the window.
'Maybe he stopped to help, since it was apparent that our car was in no good condition' Taylor thought to herself.
Her mother,however, thought otherwise. As soon as she saw this mans face she screamed and locked the doors. It wasnt enough. The man had a sledge hammer which he used it to smash the windows. By now Taylor was convinced that this guy hadnt stopped by to see if they were alright. Could it be that it had been this guy who sent her the letter? Taylor wondered to herself.
The mysterious man had broken in was now attempting to drag Mrs.Keppler out of the car, which he did successfully after a good 15 min of kicking and screaming coming from both Taylor and her mother in attempt to free herself. The glass from the shattered windows had caused Mrs.Keppler to get cut and she was already losing quite a bit of blood from one particularly large gash. Once he managed to get her out of the car he smashed her head with the sludge hammer. As if that wasnt enough, he proceeded to unbutton Mrs.Kepplers shirt, removed her bra, and began to carve something into her chest with a switchblade. Taylor, frozen to the spot out of fear, watched her mother being killed. What was worse is that she knew that there was nothing she could do...and he was probably going to come after her next.

....and once again, the clock ran out. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. so frustrating.

Kelly stood in front of her closet door looking at herself in the mirror that was supposed to give off her own reflection, but as she stood there gazing at someone that couldnt possibly be her she wondered if the night was going to be for real. She had been asked to prom her senior year after four years of being completely outcasted by society...aka her school. It hadnt bothered her too much...she knew she wasnt particularly pretty or sociable or even that smart really. just average. But somewhere along the lines something changed...'where did i go right?' Kelly thought to herself,staring back at herself in a long, black dress that made her look quite stunning. Jeremy McDaniel, whom she had known since 10th grade, had asked her to prom. 'He has been pretty nice to me lately...' Nice was an understatement. Jeremy has taken the liberty of carrying her books to class, eat lunch with her, told her she was fun to be with and wonderful...yet she just couldnt bring herself to believe that it was genuine. "You should let your hair down just this once and trust him! he seems to really like you so you should try and relax..have some fun." her friend taylor said when Kelly enlightened her to what had been on her mind.
She really did have fun with him. She wanted to believe it all so badly...but trust was a big thing in her world but there was a good reason for this.

Kelly heard the old grandfather clock out in the hall chime indicating that it was seven o'clock...Jeremy would be here minute. She could feel the butterflies forming at the bottom of her stomach. Not a moment too soon she heard the sound of the doorbell ringing. Slowly she got up from the edge of her bed, dabbed a bit of perfume on and slowly made her way downstairs to the foyer. When she got down there she found Jeremy, in a smashing white tux and top hat, making small talk with her mother. When he saw her enter the room he stood there a moment, jaw dropped at the dazzling site before him. A light cough from Kelly's mother brought him back to realize what he was doing and he immediately closed his mouth. Jeremy then took off his top hat, bowed ever so slightly like they did back in the old days, and gently kissed her hand. At this Kelly blushed but she found the idea cute and irresistably charming. After pictures and a quick goodbye to her mother, Jeremy escorted Kelly to the car. There was no fancy limo waiting but Kelly didnt mind that in the slightest...infact she preffered the old 1965 ford mustang he had inherited from his great uncle when he turned 16. The car was light blue on the outside and with a matching blue leather interior and Kelly loved it.
The whole drive to the hotel where from was supposed to take place was nothing short of entrancing. It was as if she was in a dream...Jeremy was perfect. He made her laugh, he told her she was beautiful, he didnt care that she wasnt popular, he believed in her and her dreams...no matter how far fetched they were, and he was there for her when she needed him. By the time they got to the Renessance Hotel there was no longer any doubt in Kelly's mind that he was the one she could trust, one who she could let her guard down around. She just smiled as he opened the car door and took her hand to let her out.

The two made their way out onto dance floor just as a slow song began. Everytime they touched she felt something...she didnt know what it was but it was like two puzzle peices fitting together perfectly. When he held her all was right in the world.
They didnt stay long only because they truly did have more fun when they were alone together. They decided after a song or two to go down to the lake and sit on the dock where they occasionaly went fishing.

Jeremy hadnt gotten too far down the road when out of nowhere came the huge bright lights of a truck. Jeremy swerved into a lamp post and started bleeding...badly. Before anything else he had to make sure Kelly was okay.

"Kelly? are you okay?"
When he got no response he reached across and nudged her in the shoulder. It was at this she woke.
"Kelly...are you okay?!" Jeremy asked again.
Kelly looked about her, trying to remember where she was until it all came rushing back to her.... The big bright lights, the screeching of tires and the spinning car. She looked over at Jeremy wide eyed and panicked when she saw all the blood. She couldnt tell where he was hurt but the blood shone everywhere against the blue seats so she knew it had to be bad.
"Jeremy..your hurt! we need to call an ambulance...get you some help or something!" It was when she reached for her cell phone that she realized she had been hurt as well...only this didnt come from any jagged piece of glass from the shattered window...it was a bullet.
Jeremy knew his time was growing short.




...this is as far as i got before the clock ran out.

i hate my life. that was the first thought that popped into my head when i woke up this morning. i knew i was going to be doing the same thing i did yesterday. i didnt want to go to school and i voiced that at my shrieking alarm clock by telling it to "shut the hell up" and throwing it at the wall. i didnt want to go to that mundane, boring place known as school. i hated it and it hated me. nevermind my straight A's. what good is life when you dont have any friends? it sucks.

i glanced at the clock and, noticing it was nearing 7:10, left the house to make the walk to the bus stop, the same one i had made for the past 3 years. i knew my way up this hill so well, knew were all the potholes were where the road construction people dropped something in the we cement and were to lazy to cover up the crator it had made, it was like second nature. i took this time to think back on the good times. the times that came to mind when i felt like a prisoner in my own home.

there were days, when i was younger and my brother was still alive, that were nothing short of wonderful. we would get up every morning at the same time and get ready and walk to school together joking the whole way. we would come home, copy eachothers homework and go outside. we would go down to the river and go fishing until it got dark. when we came in mom would have supper all ready for us and dinner was full of good conversation, little quizes dad would throw our way just to keep us on our toes and we would always get the answers right. he smiled and told us how proud he was that we were his boys. when dinner was done mom would bring out desert and when that was finished we would go into the family room to watch some t.v. for awhile. or mom and dad did at least. danny and i would sneak back to our room and into our own little world. here we would sail the ocean, fight pirates,and find treasure. we were free to do as we pleased when we were here. no rules to hold us back. after about an hour or so mom would come in and tell us it was time to go to bed. we would beg her for just 5 minutes more and she would just smile warmly and say we could have that or a story...we always picked the story.
i remember one time when danny and i were hanging out on a boat we had made out of logs just like they did in Huck Finn and he asked me
"hey scout?"
"yea" i replied, looking over at him
"what do ya wanna be when you grow up?" he asked
i turned my head adn smiled
"whatever you wanna be"
"lets be astronauts so we can travel into the unknown! we'll find some vortex that takes us back in time!!!"
"yea we should! lets go back to....1763!"
"okay its settled then"
we turned over on to our stomaches and faced the water, laughing without a care in the world. we could do anything, we could be anything, we could go anywhere we wanted.

by the time i had, with great effort, pulled myself out of my world of memories i found myself at the bus stop. i realzied i was smiling but it only took me a moment to come to my senses. i saw the bus pulling in and got on. as usual i sat by myself, listening to my ipod.

when i got home from school found my mom drunk. all she said when she saw me was to go to my room and dont come out. when my dad got home it was obvious he was in a bad mood too. he had a bad day at work and he was pissed off at my mom cause she didnt have dinner waiting for him on the table. it was then that the shouting match began. when my mom had drunk herself to sleep and my dad decided he wasnt done venting he came and found me. without a word he threw my bookshelf to the ground, splitting the wood. he then took my homework out from under my hand and proceeded to rip it into shreads. when this didnt satisfy his lust for physical control he took me by the arm and punched me in the shoulder and then threw me, as hard as he could, into my wall. this seemed to do it for him so he left the room. i sat there, gently caressing my right shoulder as i felt it start to numb and feel the blackness of night start to surround me. i had no control as the darkness started to take over. in fact i welcomed it. anything was prefferable to the place i, regretably, call home.

all the freedom we had as children is now freedom lost...never to be had again.

sorry for not posting my story for the quote you gave me but i have the plot all thought out in my head and i could tell u when exactly they would use this quote. however i got to one point during the early stages of the story when i realized one of my main characters is patheticaly flat and cliche.

plot was....

Theres a crew on this ship called the lollipop(after an oldie song that was playing in the car when i was writing this). this ship is bright blue with lime green sails, orange cannons and purple outlining the windows. i figured it was only fitting considering the name of this ship.
The ship and its crew are charted for fiji to deliver some rum over there. while on the way there is a big storm and during the storm the ship bumps into something under the water and it triggers a worl pool. the worl pool sucks the ship down and into this cave thing so they can breathe. here they find treasures of all sorts and find the place trap free. they take the stuff with them of course. not long after that the ship was attacked by a sea creature(who knew the treasure was not in its place) and ripped the ship to shreads.
while piling into the life boats the captain yells "nothing gold can stay." one of teh members of the crew loading the boat said "but why captain????" "because its heavy you idiot. it'll sink the boat"

anywho...sorry again for not keeping up.
its good you were helpin me though cause ms. zank seems to be really fond of this whole writing thing. i failed an essay for her class the other day. i'm really gonna need to be prepared better. lol.

The day I found out my daughters condition was the day that the sun refused to shine (really need to find a way to rephrase this line). She was the reason I bothered to get out of bed in the morning. She was my world, my everything. I remember it as if it were yesterday...the day those good-for-nothing doctors told us the news.
"Miss, your daughter....well, she has a condition."
"Well obviously, but tell me what can be done about it. You can fix it right? I mean you are all doctors, fixing these things is your job."
“Your daughter has Leukemia."
After that my mind froze. Flashes of my daughter as a little girl, playing down at the lake and outside on the swing were coming to my mind. As the doc. was talking about what all this cancer entailed, his voice seemed so far away.
“Miss Mariano...? MISS MARIANO!"
I had to force myself to come back to the present. To bring myself back to reality and out of the safety of my memories.
"Oh. Im sorry. Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
I thought about it for a second and then I snapped.
"Okay?! I have just been informed that my daughter has cancer and one that has yet to be able to cure. You’re seriously going to ask me if I’m okay!??!?"
"I understand it’s hard but please try to understand..."
"Do YOU have a daughter doctor renhalds?
"Well no...But"
" then you have absolutely NO IDEA what I could possibly be feeling right now so you can just shove all that crap up your a**!"
I stormed out of the room and went in search for a good cup of coffee to calm me down. It took me a considerable amount of time to actually find a descent cup of coffee in the place but when I finally did I sat down on a hospital bench and cried. I cried long and hard.
When I got home that night my daughter was sound asleep in her bed. I stood in her doorway just watching her. I took in the peaceful look of innocence on her face and took a mental picture to be stored in my mind. It was heart wrenching to know that not long from now that untroubled look on her face would be gone forever. I wanted to hold on to that moment in my mind for as long as I could.
When she got up the next morning I watched her go about her daily morning routine. I didn’t want to be the one that would take her away from a life that she loved and change it. Not like this. Once I told her what was to lay ahead, her life would no longer be the same. I wanted to be able to hold on to this last bit of this life and watch her as she was before she would be thrown into a different world completely. My face must have shown it because she could tell there was something wrong. We are best friends first and mother and daughter second always. My world is an open book to her.
“Mom, are you okay? Whats wrong?” she asked with a concerned look on her face
“We need to talk Hun”
She sat down across from me at the table knowing that nothing good had ever come from those words.
“I went to the hospital yesterday and talked to the doctors about your test results. It doesn’t look good, babe.”
“What is it?”
“You have…cancer.”
She sat up straighter, her back stiffened and her speech was broken.
“Wha…what do I…I…ha have?”
All the while I was wondering whether or not the next few moments would kill me for all the pain it was causing me and the pain I knew it would soon be causing her.
“You…you have leukemia.”
Her eyes widened in fear and for a long time we just sat there together, taking it all in.
After a long time she came over, sat in my lap and hugged me. I held her like she was a baby who wanted their mommy to protect them from the world. Our embrace was a long one. After awhile she looked up at me with those big, doll face brown eyes
“I love you mom”
“I love you too sweet pea.” I managed to muster out through all my tears.
“Its going to be okay, we are going to get through this.” She said with all the courage she had.

When we went in for her appointment the next day she met all her doctors and they explained to her what was wrong with her and how the treatment, the chemo therapy, would work. She took it all in with grace and poise. She handled it very well.
“Its going to be painful but we are hoping that it will prolong your life expectancy.”
She had decided earlier that she didn’t want to know what her life expectancy was. She wanted to be able to look ahead and not think about her dying day looming closer all the time and the angel of death counting down the days she had left.
“Will I lose my hair?”
“It varies with different people so it’s possible, but so is the chance that you won’t.”
When they were all done talking to her about what was to happen and what might happen, what might not, they showed her down the white, tiled hallway. All along the wall was a strip of wall paper with small yellow roses. It’s truly amazing the details you notice in the world around you, the little things, when your scared and nervous. They showed her into what was to be her room.
The room had the usual bed with the iv’s hooked up and whatnot and it also had a big window with light blue curtains on one wall. Below the window, in the corner was a small, round wooden table with two chairs and a stack of magazines. On the other wall was a wooden book case and a bedside table. As of right now the book case, windowsill and bedside table were empty but it wasn’t long before the case was full of books, picture frames and cd’s, the windowsill was full of flowers of every kind, the walls plastered with “get well” cards, and the bedside table invisible due to the books piled almost a mile high.

Over the next few months she went through a lot with her treatments, although she did her best to hide any pain she had. I tried to make life seem as normal as I could. Every morning I would go in and have some nice, hot coffee with her and update her on all the town gossip, just like old times. Her nurses grew very fond of her. When I went home to an empty house at night it was a constant reminder that I was going to lose her and I would be alone. I did my best to be strong for her, but I couldn’t believe she was going. It was as if someone had dug my heart out with a spoon, thrown it across the room and continued to step all over it. It was taking me longer to accept it all than it had taken her. She was taking it all as it came. She was the bravest person I’ll ever know.
Over the next year she had befriended every nurse in hospital, elderly, youthful, new nurses, interns, and nurses who had been there for years. They had grown accustom to her face, she made the day begin. Her ups, her downs were second nature to them now. Everyone grew to love her and she was the sunshine in everyone’s day even when it was raining.
Two years went by and she stopped responding to treatments. She knew the end was drawing near but if she was scared she didn’t show it in the least. I knew it was coming too though I wouldn’t let her see how it was killing me as much as it was killing her. I spent all my days at her bedside. Reading to her when she was too weak or too tired, drinking coffee and chatting in the mornings, and holding her close when she went to sleep at night as though the tighter I held her the longer I would have her. We spent many days like this.
One cold, rainy day in November, when the nurse came in to give her the breakfast tray she didn’t wake up and I knew it was the end.
It was crazy and hectic in the room for a long time. Nurses and doctors alike were yelling voltages and blood pressure numbers. I was just standing there in the midst of all that hustle and bustle, watching them shock my baby girl to get her big heart beating again. But as I stood there, tears streaming down my face, I just knew. She was gone and there was nothing I or any of the very qualified doctors in there could do about it. I wasn’t the only one in tears that day as I walked out of that hospital in the cold, November rain.
Her funeral was held two weeks later at the small cemetery out in the country where her grandmother, who had also been a victim of cancer, was buried. The place was packed, full of people whose lives she had touched in her short life. The sun was shining brightly warming our faces and old friends were reminiscing old stories about her and what a joy she had been. No one was crying because even her memory was something to smile about. She had been and would forever remain the sunshine in our lives.

As I was walking through the woods one day in the dead of winter, everything was white and everything was silent. I was completely alone. As I was strolling down the almost undetectable path in the woods I came upon a single, solitary rose. A black rose. This rose seemed to have a forbidding air about it, yet it was calm and soothing to look at the same time. Of course out of natural curiosity I went over to examine the rose, however the second I touched it I was thrown into a time warp and was transported into an entirely different place. I landed in a hay stack. I got up slowly cause I thought I hurt my back...it was rather sore but I got up moments later realizing what had happened. I had fallen right into medieval times. Just by looking at the house's structure, the clothing on the people and the way of living I could tell I was back in the old days. I had yet to find out which country it was. After I dusted myself off a bit I got up to go and ask someone exactly where I was but nobody seemed to notice I was there. I thought that was strange since someone would notice a random person walking around in odd clothing that wasn’t from their own time, but no. It was apparent that no one could see me at all. But in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the day I managed to listen in on some conversation between a shop owner and a customer whose accents were...British.

"....someone touched it." said the shop keeper in a slightly concerned, hushed tone.
"....what do you mean someone touched it? That’s not possible. No one has ever found it before. Not now, in the dead of winter!"
"Well apparently someone has and it means they're here too."
The shop keeper looked up and for a second or two it looked as if he was staring right at me.
After hearing this much I decided it was time to go. While wondering the streets of this little village I came across some street signs. One pointing north saying "playbill crossing", one pointing west saying "aryth river" and one pointing east that said "the black rose." Now, while the other directions looked...interesting...it was a black rose that had brought me here in the first place so I chose that path...the road obviously less traveled. After walking for what seemed like days but was really only about two hrs(my watch had stopped working when I got to...where ever I was...)I came across a large mansion building that said "The Black Rose". It wasn’t one of the most welcoming looking buildings but again...calming to look at. I couldn't help but feel drawn to it. I slowly walked up to the dark porch and knocked on the door. When no one answered I just walked in on my own. I was shocked to find what I did. It was an old man sitting in a rocking chair reading a book. He had white hair, glasses and had on a dark red robe and slippers to match. The old man suddenly looked up when he realized I was standing there.

weirdshrimp90: "Oh, hello. Didn’t realize you were standing there. Well come in come in. we haven't properly met."
I just stared at him for I don’t know how long. Thoughts like "what the heck is this?" and "this doesn't seem right" were going through my head. Somehow this just wasn't what I expected.
When I finally walked into the room he said
“Have a seat wont you?"
"ummm thank you."
"My name is Sir Elliot. And you’re the one who touched the black rose."
"y-y-es"
“And your name is..."
"James... Schaefer"
"Well James Schaefer, it’s nice to meet you. I take it you have already realized that you are invisible?"
"What? Oh, yea. That was weird."
"Indeed it must have been. And by the looks of your clothing I assume you are from the future?"
"Yes."
"Wonderful.
There was a long pause where Sir Elliot seemed to just stare at me. The silence made me quite uncomfortable.
“Nice place you have here….”
“Yes, it is isn’t it? What you may not realize is that we and the others in the brotherhood are the only ones who can see this place. Anyone else walking down this road would see nothing but a tree with an abnormally large pebble to its right where this building is standing.”
I felt my jaw drop. This was the next to last answer I was expecting. The last being that it was built by Gods angel Gabriel which is why it looked so old but in perfect condition.

-------writers block------------------

to whom it may concern, this is for you.
first id like to start of by saying that you infuriate me. that being said i think its only fair i tell you why. you, and your very twisted ways, got into my head and did all you could to make me feel like nothing. you took me to the gates of hell and back. you caused me a lot of pain, mentally and physicaly. you treated me like trash and made me believe all the terrible things you said to me. you saw that it hurt and still you continued. i went over it in my head trying to figure out what i could have done to make you hate me so much but i could never figure it out. to this day i still ponder this question. but even after all of that i still wanted you to accept me. your opinion still mattered, for what reason i know not. everyone seemed to have managed to do it, so why couldnt i? i still dont know the answer to this but i've long since stopped trying to figure it out. the idea that you just really didnt like me at all was one i could deal with, even though i tried to change it. the fact that you got nothing but pure enjoyment out of watching me suffer was something i couldnt let go. i'm not going to apologize to you because i have nothing to be sorry for. however, despite all the hell you've put me though, know this. i forgive you.
sincerely
the one who wrote this heart filled letter.

List ten things you wan tto say to 10 people.
1.dont say who the people are.
2.feel free to comment but i'm not confirming or answering anything here.
3.tag five people to do the same

1. You were my light in the darkness. you made me see the reality even when i didnt want to see it. you made me want to be a better person. you helped me realize that there was no one better than me nor less than i was. for that i'm eternaly grateful. my lack of self esteem was terrible and i always felt like a burden on your shoulders and i hated myself for it. hence why i tried to not tell you what was wrong, why i tried to hide it. i didnt want to always be the one comming to you for help with my issues. you are stronger than me and wiser than me and have always tried to help me in all i do.i only wish i could return the favor. i miss you so so so much. i thankyou for it all, you are my godsend.*bear hugs* i'm here for you always

2. you...were everything i wanted to be-mostly.we had very little things in common but it was those things that bonded us. there was envy but i overcame that. it just made me try harder. i always felt like you were better than me in everyway...and you were. but i learned from you. for a long time i was convinced that you only tolerated me, kind of like petigrew and the mauraders(i know i spelled it wrong)but after all the circumstances in which we were thrown together the friendship couldnt help but grow. i'm so glad of it to. i also came to you for help a lot and i hated that. i hated it most because i knew that you would never come to me for help in return. because of this i knew it was more like i was using you more than anything else and that killed me. i hated being used last year and you knew it, but the fact i turned around and did it right back to someone i've grown to love so much as friend made me realize i could sink no lower. i want more than anything to convince you that you are what you are to me, a friend, not a source for answers. theres a quote that goes something like this "friends are like porches. sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you" ~believe me when i say i wanted to hold you up as much as you let me lean on you. thank you for everything. i miss you so much. especially how you could laugh at the little things. it was those little funny's in life that made each school day bearable, and each day we were outside of school enjoyable.i'm here for you always. life will no longer be the same..without you...

3. there are very few times in my life when i genuinley wish i had one of those huge carnival pies that you throw in someones face and they all happend with you. you hurt me and felt no remorse. i'd even go as far to say you enjoyed it. i wanted to hurt you back, make you feel all the pain you put me through. i let you get into my head and let you make me believe i was a horrible, annoying person who nobody wanted around. the others had been around you longer and knew how to block it all out, i was just learning. all the pain and anger you felt you decided to take out on me and you knew there was nothing i could do to stop it. you knew it would hurt, you knew i would take it all to heart and you didnt care. you still dont. yet i'm still niave enough to believe that despite it all there is some good in you, as i believe there is good in all of us. but dont believe for one second that i'm still as pathetic as i was. i've learened and i know how to take it. ...despite it all i still call you my friend.

4. i loved you, i truely did and i honestly still do. everyday with you made life worth living and all the days we were apart was a form of death. it killed me when you decided to date one of my friends even though i wasnt there anymore. it was you that said it would take you a long time to let me go, yet it was me that was hurt the most. i didnt write you all that time because it hurt too much. writing you would be a constant reminder that you werent with me and i couldnt handle it right then. im sorry. it took me a year and some to let it go. to get over it all. i know you so well and i care for you so much. i'm sorry i broke your heart and i'm sorry you broke mine.

5. you know me better than anyone on the face of this planet. i feel confident in saying that you will always be there for me and i will always be there for you. we are friends first and sisters second.

6. you, my grasshopper, are beautiful in everyway but still have much to learn. take it all as it comes and dont try to grow up so fast. you know me so well and are there for me always. i'm forever yours when you need me. my sister, my friend.

7. in the begining you took advantage of the fact that i was weak. you had everything and i was nothing. although you are younger than me, you still found a way to make me seem like i was the lesser of the two. you were condesending and you knew i would take it. you could tell me all the things wrong with me that i had to change and how pathetic i was and i would just drink it all in. i was low on confidence and self esteem and you knew it. you were all i had. although i admit you were never mean about it, i guess it was this fact that made me blind to what you were doing. then i finaly got friends my own age, without your help. i gained the confidence to be my own person and you didnt like it. you claimed i had changed adn it was all their fault and you were happy to see them go. maybe it was their fault, but im telling you now that i'm thankful for it. i can hold my own. i'm not going to hold it against you though. and i dont think that you'll hold it against them either because now you feel free to come to me with any little problem you have assuming i can fix it.

8.there are about 5 of you that helped made the change mentioned in the previous ramble happen. i think you know who you are (^^)

9. my fellow leo as you call yourself, you always know what you want and i've always admired that about you. i know life in your world gets hard but you always find something to be happy about. i <3 u.

10. my brother, not through blood, but in every other way. it took me a long time to figure out that all those times you refused to help me out that you were trying to help me help myself. you wanted me to figure out how to get myself out of the mess i was in. i love you so much and miss you terribly. though your egotistical ways are rather a pain in the but i find them amusing. thanks for all the laughs and the good times.